I am humbled...

Today I am humbled.
After writing yesterday’s entry, I was overcome with an irrational fear of having ‘revealed too much’ in a far too public space. I literally had to stop myself from getting out of bed at 1h38 this morning in order to ‘edit’ (read: delete…) my post.
This morning as I downloaded e-mail I was overwhelmed by the messages of support, encouragement and hope… I simply wept, with relief, joy, amazement and a dozen other feelings I cannot put my finger on. After years of being a telephone counsellor with Telefriend (a Christian telephone counselling service), a worship leader in homecell, a nurse – all these ‘titles’ conferring some sort of ‘counselling status’ on one – I only fully understood grief when it touched me. Not just grief for the loss of my Dad’s life, but the loss of so many other things that could never be retrieved again. It was on February the 9th of this year that I finally began to understand the magnitude of God’s love for me…funny that I should come to this realisation during such a tragic time. I felt His love in kindness of new friends and complete strangers in Sweden who helped me get back to SA, Peter the Swedish priest who sat with me at the station in minus 10 degrees & snowy conditions whilst I was waiting for my train to Stockholm – who gave me a English / Swedish bible ‘to comfort me’, airport personnel at BA in Heathrow who somehow got me onto an overbooked flight and spoke to me in the kindest manner whilst I stood crying in front of approximately 500 people, friends and family who have picked me up and carried me, lecturers at my University who have encouraged me to carry on and ‘strangers’ in cyberspace who pour out hope… I have felt the love of God through all of these people!
Sometimes we cannot see the wood for the trees… I know today that a kind word or smile from me can make the difference to somebody out there today. God uses our hands, our mouths & our ears to reveal His love for others. How awesome! What a privilege – it needs no training, no fancy Christian title & no university degree – to quote the Beatles…’all you need is love’! Spread it far and wide…

Transparency...

Today I am faced with the knowledge that I am truly not in control of my life. Ever realise that? Of course, this is nothing new to me! I have been through enough interesting life experiences to know that ‘life happens’ – and quite often it doesn’t follow my expected plan… It is also perhaps time for me to get more personal in my journaling. My only expectation from writing these online journals was that my thoughts (often jumbled and nonsensical) would encourage others. However, it would appear that God has surprised me (yet again…) - I have instead been encouraged by the kind comments of those of you who have taken the time to actually read what I have written! A heart-felt thank you!
I have found myself on shaky ground lately. I mentioned in an earlier entry that my Dad passed away earlier this year. Well – the sad fact is that my Mom shot him in self-defence during a domestic violence situation. Being an intensely private and proud person, this has been mostly a private battle for me. It has understandably thrown my family in turmoil and sadly has also created a rift between family members. There are many unanswered questions. Questions that I will probably never have true answers to. At times there is much anger and frustration within my heart and of course I struggle to approach God. But He is faithful… I am also blessed to have a husband who in the true Biblical sense is like a priest to me. When my eyes and ears are closed – he speaks reason and shows me God’s love for me. A greater blessing than this a woman could not ask for…
May I be so bold as to ask for your prayers? So – a new phase on The Journal for me… I will attempt to be more transparent and open myself up more. I believe that God wants us to be able to trust one another enough to do that. It is for this reason that He constantly challenges us to step outside our comfort zones. For only in stepping off the boat (as Peter did) and following His command to step out of the ordinary, can we do the impossible and walk on water…

Singing while it's still dark...

“Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.”

Hebrews 11:1

I read a saying once that went something like this – Faith is the bird singing before the dawn breaks… I love that image. Singing before the dawn breaks - in the darkness. When I work night duty, the worst hours are usually between 3h00 and 4h00 a.m. – in most countries the hours just before dawn. The human body is at its lowest ebb metabolically and one’s energy levels have dropped dramatically. Picture this image in light of the human spirit and faith. Hebrews tells us that having faith about something means that we are (have to be) certain of that which we have faith about. We must be (are) certain that that which we believe for is a done deal.
Coming back to the night shift imagery…how often we falter just before a breakthrough comes. God wants us to sing whilst still in darkness – believing steadfastly that the dawn will come. Thanking Him in anticipation of already having received that which we have believed for. Don’t get me wrong…I don’t believe in the so-called ‘name it and claim it’ belief system that so often appears in the charismatic church, however I do believe that God earnestly hears each prayer and if it is genuinely prayed from a heart in tune with what God wants for us, I believe that we can ask for it with confidence. Exercise your faith muscle and sing in the dark…