He is faithful...

Well - once again I have been blown away and humbled by God's faithfulnesss. After two long years of trying to conceive, we are pregnant! What an awesome blessing! Having chemotherapy a few years ago, put a bit of a proverbial 'spanner' in the works for us, but we have received so many prophecies and encouragement over the years, that for us it was just a matter of 'when', not 'if'. However, I also understand the tremendous dissapointment that comes when every month comes and goes and there is still no baby... It is truly a very difficult thing to endure. God also gave me a burden years ago to pray for certain couples who were experiencing trouble conceiving. He was faithful with every one and it was the most awesome experience to hold my niece in my arms for the first time, after she was prayed for and believed for, for 5 years! God showed me that He wanted me to be a spiritual midwife to these women - literally 'praying' their babies into the world. I must confess that at times it was hard to pray for others while my arms remained empty. I now believe that there is a special blessing that comes when one is prepared to set aside your own dreams in order to pray for those of others - and I believe that is why I was privileged to see so many of these 'baby requests' answered! But - as promised in a prohecy to us - I believe it is now time for 'our household' to be given to us!
What a blessing! We are so excited and just sit grinning at each other at times!

I want to encourage you today to hang on - don't give up! If God has promised you something - whether to you personally or as a promise in His word - stand on it! Believe as if it has happened! Claim it for yourself and thank Him for it!

He is faithful...

It's been a while, but I'm back...

What can I say about the past few months? It's been difficult? Crazy? Hell? Ok - now we're getting closer... It has been the most unreal, sad, frustrating and at times heartbreakingly difficult time of my life.
But, I'm stil standing. I'm still here and God is still there and at the end of the day there is so much to be greatful for.
I think for a time, I was trying so hard to get through this tragedy in one successful, smiling and halleluyaing piece, that I completely forgot to be real and admit that the whole thing hurt and ripped me to shreds. But God has a way of getting the message through :0) and I am trying so very hard to be real!
So - here's to more blogging and sharing and learning!
Thanks for all the prayers and the love!

I am humbled...

Today I am humbled.
After writing yesterday’s entry, I was overcome with an irrational fear of having ‘revealed too much’ in a far too public space. I literally had to stop myself from getting out of bed at 1h38 this morning in order to ‘edit’ (read: delete…) my post.
This morning as I downloaded e-mail I was overwhelmed by the messages of support, encouragement and hope… I simply wept, with relief, joy, amazement and a dozen other feelings I cannot put my finger on. After years of being a telephone counsellor with Telefriend (a Christian telephone counselling service), a worship leader in homecell, a nurse – all these ‘titles’ conferring some sort of ‘counselling status’ on one – I only fully understood grief when it touched me. Not just grief for the loss of my Dad’s life, but the loss of so many other things that could never be retrieved again. It was on February the 9th of this year that I finally began to understand the magnitude of God’s love for me…funny that I should come to this realisation during such a tragic time. I felt His love in kindness of new friends and complete strangers in Sweden who helped me get back to SA, Peter the Swedish priest who sat with me at the station in minus 10 degrees & snowy conditions whilst I was waiting for my train to Stockholm – who gave me a English / Swedish bible ‘to comfort me’, airport personnel at BA in Heathrow who somehow got me onto an overbooked flight and spoke to me in the kindest manner whilst I stood crying in front of approximately 500 people, friends and family who have picked me up and carried me, lecturers at my University who have encouraged me to carry on and ‘strangers’ in cyberspace who pour out hope… I have felt the love of God through all of these people!
Sometimes we cannot see the wood for the trees… I know today that a kind word or smile from me can make the difference to somebody out there today. God uses our hands, our mouths & our ears to reveal His love for others. How awesome! What a privilege – it needs no training, no fancy Christian title & no university degree – to quote the Beatles…’all you need is love’! Spread it far and wide…

Transparency...

Today I am faced with the knowledge that I am truly not in control of my life. Ever realise that? Of course, this is nothing new to me! I have been through enough interesting life experiences to know that ‘life happens’ – and quite often it doesn’t follow my expected plan… It is also perhaps time for me to get more personal in my journaling. My only expectation from writing these online journals was that my thoughts (often jumbled and nonsensical) would encourage others. However, it would appear that God has surprised me (yet again…) - I have instead been encouraged by the kind comments of those of you who have taken the time to actually read what I have written! A heart-felt thank you!
I have found myself on shaky ground lately. I mentioned in an earlier entry that my Dad passed away earlier this year. Well – the sad fact is that my Mom shot him in self-defence during a domestic violence situation. Being an intensely private and proud person, this has been mostly a private battle for me. It has understandably thrown my family in turmoil and sadly has also created a rift between family members. There are many unanswered questions. Questions that I will probably never have true answers to. At times there is much anger and frustration within my heart and of course I struggle to approach God. But He is faithful… I am also blessed to have a husband who in the true Biblical sense is like a priest to me. When my eyes and ears are closed – he speaks reason and shows me God’s love for me. A greater blessing than this a woman could not ask for…
May I be so bold as to ask for your prayers? So – a new phase on The Journal for me… I will attempt to be more transparent and open myself up more. I believe that God wants us to be able to trust one another enough to do that. It is for this reason that He constantly challenges us to step outside our comfort zones. For only in stepping off the boat (as Peter did) and following His command to step out of the ordinary, can we do the impossible and walk on water…

Singing while it's still dark...

“Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.”

Hebrews 11:1

I read a saying once that went something like this – Faith is the bird singing before the dawn breaks… I love that image. Singing before the dawn breaks - in the darkness. When I work night duty, the worst hours are usually between 3h00 and 4h00 a.m. – in most countries the hours just before dawn. The human body is at its lowest ebb metabolically and one’s energy levels have dropped dramatically. Picture this image in light of the human spirit and faith. Hebrews tells us that having faith about something means that we are (have to be) certain of that which we have faith about. We must be (are) certain that that which we believe for is a done deal.
Coming back to the night shift imagery…how often we falter just before a breakthrough comes. God wants us to sing whilst still in darkness – believing steadfastly that the dawn will come. Thanking Him in anticipation of already having received that which we have believed for. Don’t get me wrong…I don’t believe in the so-called ‘name it and claim it’ belief system that so often appears in the charismatic church, however I do believe that God earnestly hears each prayer and if it is genuinely prayed from a heart in tune with what God wants for us, I believe that we can ask for it with confidence. Exercise your faith muscle and sing in the dark…

Being Midwives to each other...

Have you ever wondered about why Jesus had to come to earth as a baby? Why did He not come in a cloud of glory with trumpets blowing and smoke billowing? The Old Testament God – that would have put fear into the hearts of unbelievers (and probably believers too…) here on earth! Why would He submit Himself to being born as a small vulnerable infant here on this earth and that in a time when it was very dangerous for any baby linked to the name Messiah to be born? Herod was growing increasingly mad with the thought that there was competition to his title ‘King of the Jews’ and we all know the tragic story…ends up giving the order to murder all the boy children under the age of 2. As part of my training as a nurse, I have completed training as a midwife. Every time I have had the privilege of helping another little baby into this world, the vulnerability of both the mother and the infant has struck me. As most women who have given birth will know, at the time when those labour pains are upon you, you are utterly and completely vulnerable. You cannot run away from danger and you are doubled over with pains that just never seem to end. For the baby it is also a potentially dangerous time, as there are many circumstances that can cause harm and even death to him or her as well as to the mother. But oh the joy of holding a perfect little thing in your arms and being able to hand him to parents who have waited for months and even years for that perfect moment is something that I will treasure! Now – imagine that for our God. A vulnerable little baby – a vulnerable young Mary – why? Perhaps because we worship a God who delights in us carrying each other’s burdens, helping each other along during our time of vulnerability. I believe that God wants us to be as midwives for each other. Yes – even the men. A midwife uses her skill to ‘stand in the gap’ for that unprotected woman who desperately needs comfort, assurance that all is well, and care. The midwife assists the young mother-to-be to give birth to what is ultimately so precious…new life. I believe that Jesus wants that from us. He wants us to help each other give birth – to new ideas, new life, hope – and He wants us to protect that which is new and vulnerable in each other, until it has had a chance to draw breath and become strong. What an image! Would the world not be a better place if we (as Christians) could truly be known for our love and care? Blessings to you!

When last did you leap with joy?

“But for you who revere My Name, the sun of righteousness will rise with healing in its wings. And you will go out and leap like calves released from the stall. Then you will trample down the wicked; they will be ashes under the soles of your feet on the day when I do these things,” says the Lord Almighty.

Malachi 4: 2 – 3

How beautiful is this image – I picture a lush green field and young, playful calves being released from the stall that keeps them captive and prevents them from enjoying themselves. Amazing how God uses this image of young calves that are basically not required to do anything but eat, drink, play and frolic! God delights in using images that are childlike - I think also that it is difficult for us as adults to trust Him just as a child, would unquestioningly trust his parent – but that is exactly what He wants from us. To put aside our lofty theories and clever arguments and gaze into His eyes and just trust… further to this image, I also believe that He uses the image of a child because He wants to renew us. He wants to recreate that freshness and inquisitiveness that we had as small children. To view the world that He created with the eyes of a little one – always questioning, but at the same time always trusting.